Friday 16 March 2012

UPDATED: Top Figures NOT Running For The Egyptian Presidency

Update: your picks have been added at the end.


In less than one week, Egypt has seen more than 660 obtain Presidential nomination documents. I have tried to write a full list of pre-candidates, but the effort proved too daunting. So instead, I have decided to write a smaller and more logical list, a list of the most important figures not running for Egypt's Presidency. Please note that this is an OPEN LIST, which means it is subject to further updates in the future. Please write your suggestions for people you believe should be on this list in the comments below, as well as who is your favourite non-candidate.

And the top figures not running for the Egyptian Presidency are:

1- The Man Behind Omar Soleiman:

Known for: Being the most powerful man in the world.
Why not running: Already the most powerful man in the world.

2- The Mubarak Family:

Known for: They ruled Egypt for 30 years.
Why not running: Well, it's complicated. You see, there was this revolution, and...

3- Ahmed Spider:

Known for: R&B Artist, leading activist, inspiring civil-resistance figure, TV host, art-connoisseur.
Why not running: he would say "Wa2ees Gomhoweyya."

4- Tawfiq Okasha:

Known for: Leading Politician, TV Host, visionary, and duck-enthusiast.
Why not running: something unclear regarding mistaking the price of "gargeer." (tr. Arugula.)

5- Farid El-Deeb:

Known for: Lawyer of Mubarak and other controversial figures.
Why not running: we don't know, and it saddens us. You ask if it really saddens us? Ommaaaaalll!!!

6- Hassan Abul-Einein:

Known for: ...Political activism?
Why not running: Other engagements.

7- Galabeyya Man:

Known for: storming cameras during an Egypt-Tunisia football match.
Why not running: he stormed cameras during an Egypt-Tunisia match.

8- The Teddy-Bear from the "Monazzamet El Dabdoub El Dawly" (Picture is an approximation)

Known for: being a teddy bear, spy and an assassin, after rumours surfaced regarding the Egypt activities of the "Good Bears Of The World" foundation.
Why not running: avoiding attention after the NGO trial.

9- Amr Mostafa:

Known for: Leading Egyptian musician, artist, mathematician and strategic thinker.
Why not running: fighting international conspiracies facing the nation. Determined to stop the evil subliminal-messaging plans of Coca-Cola, Pepsi and Vodafone.

10- Sheikha Magda:

Known for: claims "Mubarik" is of holy lineage, and described what seemed to have been an Iranian invasion of Egypt during the revolution. She says that the leading Iranian invading officer recognised her instantly ("Oh, it's Sheikha Magda!"), and spoke to her at length about their plans.
Why not running: busy in her work as a healer.

11- El-Sherbiny Khamis:

Known for: Avant-garde icon, exploding onto the social media scene several months ago.
Why not running: Under forty years of age.

12- The cast of Romero Cheese TV-Ad:

Known for: seem like nice people, but they have taken part in the most horrifying and haunting TV ad of last year. They have not yet been forgiven.
Why not running: Under forty years of age.

13- Some Egyptian Squirrels:

Known for: being squirrels. They eat nuts.
Why not running: fundraising challenges. Also, they are squirrels.

14- Ghida Nouri:

Known for: Egypt's most famous person for some time after an appearance on Bassem Youssef's TV show.
Why not running: she is under 40, and non-Egyptian.

15- Amr Hamzawy:

Known for: a leading Egyptian liberal politician and former leading national celebrity bachelor.
Why not running: he just got married. Women are thus too angry, and won't vote for him again this fast. Must wait till the next elections. (Note: he actually turned out to be quite a good MP, and deserved being elected. I mean it. Respect.)

16- Al-Molaththam: 

Known for: blowing up the gas line more than 15 times.
Why not running: Too busy in his day job as an Investment Banker.

17- Abu-Yahya, the "Eloquent Baker:

Known for: took social media by storm. A baker, who makes a lot of sense, received the popular title "The Eloquent Baker."
Why not running: He heard that elections require a lot of "dough" (I am sorry, worst joke I ever made.)

18- Nehal Ahdy:

Known for: Wafd liberal parliamentary candidate, described as
Why not running: under forty years of age.

19- Mohammed Adel (aka "Al-Ka2ed - الكائد")

Known for: revolutionary youth leader, reluctant hero, most gentle revolutionary, leading "Nintendo Wiiiiiiii champion," and the first person to introduce "Dettol wet wipes" into revolutions.
Why not running: under forty years of age. We hope.

20- Hayatem:

Known for: I should not explain this one.
Why not running: I should not explain this one.

21- Egyptian Tank Man:

Known for: being one of the bravest people ever.
Why not running: because we don't know who he is, and we hope he is alive, safe, and gets the respect and appreciation he deserves. When he turns forty, perhaps he should run for the Presidency.


Following the massive response to this piece, I received your recommendations for who else should be on this list. After counting and tabulating, here are your picks.

1- Afaf Shoaeb and nephews:

Known For: Egyptian actress, gained fame during the revolution for suggesting her nephews rely perhaps a bit too much on pizzas, kebab's and rib steaks on a daily basis for nutrition. Also, she came up with news during that same time of a unique conspiracy regarding some trained foreigners trying to steal Egyptian tanks by pretending to be soldiers and learning who to speak, after long practice for months, Egyptian Arabic.
Why Not Running: the nephews, of course. And as for the nephews themselves, they are two years old or something, still under the legal age of running.

2- Tamer from Ghamra:

Screen capture of the phone call

Visual Approximation of Tamer

Known For: being the most sensitive citizen in the world. His passionate and tearful phone call during the revolution, warning of anarchy and chaos all around him, moved millions of Egyptians to tears. Some, however, experienced a severe case of diarrhoea, episodes of which still recur for people whose televisions were over 50% of maximum possible volume at the time of the aired phone call.
Why Not Running: would not be capable of handling the emotional turmoil of it all. Politics are tough, man.

3- The Heba Sex Call Couple:

Known For: a leaked recording of a heated phone call between a girl supposedly named Heba (who is apparently in a relationship but still keeps an open eye) and a gentleman exploding with hormonal passion. Heba comes off as a player who uses everyone to her advantage, while the unidentified man is seen to be extremely in an evolutionary need for mating in order to pass on his genes. However, his greatest claim to fame comes from apparently coining the term "enterlobb" to refer to his gentleman parts.
Why Not Running: attack ads against them would destroy them from the first week. Campaign would be futile.

4- The Mysterious Rastafarians:

These particular Rastafarians have fantastic abs.

Known For: during controversy over protests in (I think) November, some official argued there were men in ponytails/braided hair and similar costumes infiltrating the protests to apparently incite and agitate people, while providing them with supplies to maintain the protest and sit-in.
Why Not Running: they are, apparently, Jamaicans.

5- Khaled Ali:

The 80s and the 90s were fantastic times.

Known For: an Egyptian singer who appeared on the music scene during the 90s, yet seems to be currently somewhat off the grid. When current candidate Khaled Ali, a rights lawyer with the same name, was floated as an idea for a potential "revolutionary candidate," many Egyptians spent up to a week thinking it was the now-elusive singer who was planning the run, sparking some very memorable commentary. 
Why Not Running: the Egyptian people still haven't forgiven him for that T-shirt.

And there you have it.

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